Commitment is not a four-letter word

A little rain isn't going to hurt you. Honest.

This past summer, at my request, my colleague April "The Hockey Mom" Bowling was kind enough to switch our regular columns in the New England Hockey Journal. I just wanted to get something off my chest, something which had been percolating for years but really bubbled over last spring, at the intersection of hockey and spring soccer seasons.

For a long time, I've been frustrated by what I feel is a very casual approach on the part of too many parents regarding youth sports. Now, I don't think youth sports ought to be life-and-death, but I also feel that signing up for a team requires more than a passing commitment. Which led to this column, which first ran in the August, 2013 issue of the NEHJ.

Commitment is not a four-letter word

Every year, it seems I write at least one column that I know is going to set people off. So this year, I'm being clever, and switching columns with April "The Hockey Mom" Bowling for my annual grenade launch.

All right, that's only partially true. The real reason I asked for this forum is because the topic I want to discuss isn't just about goalies, goalie parents, goalie gear, or goalie coaches. It's about hockey players. All of them. And all their parents. It's about commitment.

I live in a small town north of Boston where the high school nickname is the Generals, after one of our more famous residents, Gen. George Patton Jr. "Old Blood and Guts" was a complex man, a bold wartime leader who could be equal parts condescending, arrogant, brilliant, and loyal. He could be quick to criticize, and quick to praise. He may not be the perfect school mascot, but his ability to inspire, and no doubt his fame, make him a solid choice. In one corner of the high school gym, up by the rafters, is a banner that reads: "General Pride – Tenacity, Spirit, Commitment." That pretty much sums up Patton. But youth sports? I have my doubts.

It's that last quality that really concerns me. Commitment. Part of me can't resist laughing, acknowledging the irony. As a guy who didn't get married until his mid-30s, I was usually on the wrong side of conversations regarding commitment. But, as I always told my mom, I was just waiting for the right woman. Having just celebrated 19 years of wedded bliss with my wife (23 years together!), I've learned a thing or two about commitment.

Which brings me back to youth sports. I've witnessed an erosion of commitment over the past two decades, and I place responsibility for that phenomenon largely on parents. Not every parent, mind you. But far too many parents allow their children to pursue as many pastimes as they'd like, oblivious of schedules. Admittedly, sometimes conflicts are unavoidable, given the lead times when you have to sign up. Other times, however, parents just take a shotgun approach. It apparently doesn't matter how many conflicts are created, or what effect those conflicts might have on the kid's team, as long as Little Johnny or Little Jennifer get what they want. Or what Mom and Dad want (say, skiing every other weekend).

So I'm going to ask you – the parents – to consider something radical. For once, stop and consider the other kids on the team before thinking about your own child. Why? Because it's a "team" sport, that's why. If we should be teaching our kids anything, it's that the team in more important than the individual (a basic tenet of hockey, by the way).

My own experience was pretty straightforward. Mom, who raised six kids, supported any pastime we wanted to pursue, with two crucial caveats. First, we had to keep our grades up. If our schoolwork suffered, the pastimes would go away until we set things right. Priorities. Second, if we made the decision to join a team, we honored that commitment. For me, that meant missing family ski vacations in high school so I could make hockey practices.

Now, the obvious dilemma is the question of "When?" When do you start requiring kids to make a more serious commitment. We want youngsters to have a broad array of experiences, so they can learn what they like best, what motivates them. However, reinforcing this approach during developmental years creates a culture where kids (and their parents) accept that it's fine and dandy to show up whenever they please. I draw the line at middle school travel teams. It's a perfect time of transition, for academics and for athletics.

I've attended countless practices – both on the soccer pitch and at the hockey rink – when only a handful players show up. Games are problematic too, but missing practice is a major stumbling block. The absent kids not only fall behind in getting fit and learning the requisite skills, but they also lag in developing a sense of teamwork. That becomes painfully obvious during games. How many of you have seen everyone suddenly show up for a playoff game, only to realize that the kids don't know how to play together.

Here's another example. This past spring, I was an assistant coach for my daughter's 8th grade soccer team. We had 18 players, 11 of which could be on the field at any time. Seven extra players seemed like a lot, but manageable. During practices, we were lucky to get half the squad, and game-day attendance was a constant question mark.

So, halfway through the season, I wrote a lengthy email to the parents, detailing our shortcomings. I finished with the following: "In short, soccer isn't a game you can 'dabble' in, especially now that the girls are on the big fields. Players who aren't in shape, or don't know where to be, or can't control the ball, or make simple passes, are easily exposed. And I think that's exactly what's happened to us. Former Patriots coach Bill Parcells once said 'You are what your record says you are.' I think our 0-3-1 record is indicative of where we're at. I'd really like to see the [team] turn it around for the second half. But that requires everyone to be all in."

Not one parent replied. At least not directly to me. Instead, one mom wrote to the head coach. That parent's daughter was a quiet girl who wasn't a gifted athlete, but worked hard. When she was at practice. Which, unfortunately, wasn't often. Here's what her mom said: "Many kids do pull on their boots in the spring for the pure joy and sole pursuit of dabbling in the beautiful game. The fast, slow, fit, unfit, tactical and tactically challenged, bring to the field the athletic gifts they have and are willing to share. Increasingly uniquely with no try outs, [the town program] offers all comers the opportunity to continue the experience of team sport. Some choose not to sit, but go out and join their efforts with others, not to win but to take part. And I am proud of all those youthful dabblers who make our town such a joyful and colorful celebration of sport every weekend."

That sounds like a really sweet sentiment, on the surface. I see it differently. I would like that mom to explain to her daughter's teammates why they had no substitutes (including her daughter) during a Saturday game played in 95-degree heat. Not exactly "a joyful and colorful celebration of sport." But that's exactly what can happen with this type of "my kid first" parenting style. What was accomplished by this child missing half of her team's practices and games? Certainly not an "opportunity to continue the experience of team sport."

Of course, this parent probably never gave it a thought. When parents lack any awareness of how their actions affect their child's teammates, they can drag down the entire team. That's wrong.

If you're still with me, I'll emphasize that I believe the hockey season is too long. No question. Many programs and leagues are run by people more concerned about profits than our kids. I understand that, and fully support my local program's policy of encouraging kids to play a fall sport (for the last three years, my daughter's first hockey game was scheduled before her first soccer game; how crazy is that?).

Once the fall season ends, though, I ask my players to focus on the winter sport they signed up for. Make practices, and make the games. If you can't make practices, don't be surprised if your playing time on game day gets trimmed. Because playing time isn't something that's guaranteed just because you show up, or something Mommy and Daddy pay for. It's something you have to earn.

FINIS

Another hockey season gets under way ...

Hi gang,

Tonight, another hockey season starts up for my daughter Brynne, which means another season of coaching youth hockey starts up for me. I've been coaching for more than a decade now, and I almost always feel like I'm investing part of myself with my "students," whether they're Mites, PeeWees, high school players, college students, even full-blown adults. But when it comes to coaching my daughter, and her friends, the dynamic changes. Frankly, it pulls on the heartstrings a bit more. And sometimes, that's a beautiful thing ... Here's a column I wrote a few years back, about one of those memorable moments.

An uncommon, heartfelt apology

As a youth hockey coach, I get to see, up close and personal, the entire spectrum of human behavior, from kids to parents to grandparents. Much of it, frankly, isn't very pretty. And I suppose some think of me and my Old School ways in the same vein. I take the "iron hand, warm heart" approach to coaching. I don't cut the kids much slack. I want them to enjoy sports, but also want them to respect the game. They need to know that games aren't created for their entertainment; the games exist to challenge them, to help them learn and grow. The enjoyment comes from mastering a skill, from learning that extra effort is always repaid in full, and from sharing a unique camaraderie with teammates.

Still, I oftentimes think most parents don't get this approach. My bride once coined the phrase "soccer day care," and I think that probably applies to youth hockey as well. At least town-sponsored programs. Don't get me wrong; I'm not a fan of the over-the-top, win-at-all-costs approach either. But sports, really, are about challenging yourself, getting knocked on your butt and getting back up, and repeating the process until you succeed. It's not about being pampered, or about the nice gear your well-heeled folks can buy for you. In sports, it's about what YOU can do on the ice. No excuses (despite the fact that we live in an area where parents will make every excuse, no matter how preposterous, for their child!).

But every now and then a moment happens to remind me why I do this. It might be an exhausted smile, a rare "thank you," a spark of recognition that what you're preaching is getting through. Last weekend our Squirt 2 team had a game (at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m., at a rink an hour away) against a squad from Haverhill. Unfortunately for Haverhill, their goalie didn't show, which meant some poor kid without the proper equipment had to stand between the pipes. By late in the second period, with our squad winning 5-0, my assistant coach and I implemented a "three-pass minimum" in the offensive zone (like I said, the other team didn't have a goaltender, and we had no intention of running up the score). We re-emphasized that rule between periods. It was, we said, not only the right thing to do from a sportsmanship perspective, but our players needed work on their passing.

In the third period, one of my defensemen, a burly, likable kid (we'll call him "Bobby," in the interests of anonymity), intercepted a clearing attempt and took a shot from the point without the requisite three passes. My assistant and I immediately agreed to take him off the ice. This is where it gets interesting. I asked Bobby if he understood why I pulled him, and he sheepishly admitted he knew he should have passed. I emphasized that there are times when you have to resist doing what you want to do, and instead do what's right (in this case, pass, so we could be good sportsmen). The boy nodded. A moment later, he mumbled something behind me. When I asked him to repeat it, he said: "I'm sorry, Coach." It was incredibly sincere.

The next time I looked at him, he had tears running down his cheeks. I was really moved ... this young man really cares about the game, and really cares about doing the right thing. I was proud of him. "It's OK, Bobby," I told him. "We're good, right?" He quietly said "yes." And I knew we were.

Best,
-B

A positive spin on sports

Hi gang,

A busy day today with deadlines, so I'm pulling this quick-hit profile on PCA founder Jim Thompson out of the archives. My older brother Sean tipped me off to the Positive Coaching Alliance a few years back, after I had a good tantrum about kids behaving badly and how little sportsmanship I saw in youth hockey. The PCA does impressive, and important, work. I've got to believe that if Hobey Baker were alive today, he'd be on the PCA Board of Directors. This Q&A was originally done for Continental Airlines in-flight magazine, back in 2009. Check it out ...

A positive spin on sports
Jim Thompson's Positive Coaching Alliance looks to redefine youth sports

Sixty-year-old Jim Thompson may not look the part, but he is a sports revolutionary. His Positive Coaching Alliance, launched in 1998, aims to transform the youth sports landscape, emphasizing the life lessons that wholesome competition can provide. Today, the Positive Coaching Alliance model has been adopted by many major youth sports organizations, including American Youth Soccer, Little League Baseball, and US Lacrosse. The PAC, in addition to its headquarters near Palo Alto, California, also has a dozen offices throughout the United States, including a number of major metropolitan areas such as New York, Houston, Chicago, Washington DC and San Francisco

What was the genesis of the Positive Coaching Alliance? Was it inspired by a personal experience?
It was a combination of working with emotionally disturbed kids and seeing what could come from a relentlessly positive approach, combined with seeing very high-powered parents driving their kids to distraction in sports.

What are the three major elements of the PAC model?
First is the double-goal coach model, which involves preparing teams to win on the scoreboard with the second, more important goal of using sports to teach life lessons. Next is the triple-impact competitor, who makes himself better, makes his teammates better, and makes the game better by the way he or she competes. Third is the second-goal parent, who lets coaches and athletes worry about winning, and focuses on helping their child take away the lessons that will help them be successful in life.

Ultimately, what are your goals for PAC?
We hope to transform youth sports so sports can transform youth. We want every youth athlete, regardless of their talent level, to have a positive, character-building experience with sports.

What are your biggest obstacles?
The confusion that many people have between professional sports, which is an entertainment business, and youth sports, which is, or should be, about developing youth. Professional sports tends to engender a win-at-all-costs philosophy that pollutes youth sports, and causes the endless procession of teachable moments in youth sports to be too often lost.

PAC boasts an impressive board, including the head coaches of the last two NBA champions, Doc Rivers of the Boston Celtics and Phil Jackson of the LA Lakers. Still, professional athletes are often poster children for bad behavior. How do you reconcile that juxtaposition?
The reason so many high-profile athletes, coaches, business and academic leaders have become part of PAC is because they embrace our mission. They see that youth sports have so much potential to benefit youth and society, and they want to see that potential realized. We're very careful about who we affiliate with, because we recognize the pressures that professional sports that cause people to not live up to their own ideals. We're very grateful that so many positive role model athletes and coaches have affiliated themselves with Positive Coaching Alliance.

Given its current scope, are you surprised by the program's success?
I'm reminded of the actor who became an overnight sensation. When people asked him what that's like, he says: "It took me 10 years of hard work to become an overnight sensation." I'm gratified with the success we've had, and I think it's because people recognize the potential for youth sports and we have an answer to achieve that potential. But we have so much more to do.

For more information on the Positive Coaching Alliance, visit positivecoach.org.